Talk-show host Oprah Winfrey today celebrated the opening of her first church and the founding of her new religion, titled O, The Oprah Religion. The multi-tasking Oprah will serve as pontiff and deity for both.
“Expanding on Her enormously successful enterprises in television, film, the web, and Her magazine, Oprah Winfrey brings Her positive, motivational spirit to one of the most highly anticipated new religions since Scientology,” explained spokesperson and new Archbishop for the church, Gayle King, in a press conference in Chicago today.
“O, The Oprah Religion gives confident, smart women the tools they need to explore and reach for their dreams, to express their individual style, and to make choices that will lead to a happier and more fulfilling afterlife.”
“In addition, we’ve eliminated the regressive prohibitions – such as those against shrimp, clothing made of mixed fibers, and premarital sex – that older, outmoded religions still cling to, but which no longer fit in with the lifestyles of their congregations. In fact, Oprah loves to share a shrimp cocktail with her live-in life partner while wearing stretch-wool slacks! Now, with O, The Oprah Religion, you can do the same, and without the threat of everlasting damnation!”
King went on, “O, The Oprah Religion, has all the comforts of a traditional belief system, but combined with the uplifting spirit of Oprah, so that anyone from a religious background will still feel at home when they convert the new traditions of O, The Oprah Religion.”
“For example, instead of a spring fertility festival like Easter or Passover, with O, The Oprah Religion, you’ll celebrate the abundance of Oprah with Her spring holiday Oprah’s Favorite Things, which is observed during the second week of spring sweeps. During this holiday, believers smear the blood of a freshly slaughtered lamb on their television, and in the middle of the day the Holy Spirit of Oprah visits all supplicants and showers them with cashmere pajamas, gourmet chocolates, and Gladware”
“It doesn’t stop there!” added Archbishop King. “The Catholic tradition of confession has been incorporated into O, The Oprah Religion, but with a twist: confession occurs just once per lifetime, is syndicated nationally, and is officiated over by Oprah herself. Since Oprah serves as both pontiff and God in human form, penance is unnecessary, forgiveness is guaranteed, and it’s all done without the use of an intercessor! Verily I say unto thee: O, The Oprah Religion empowers all women with the tools for their own salvation! Praise be!”
Though Winfrey herself officiated over the opening ceremonies for the First Church Of Oprah, Savior, located on Chicago’s Magnificent Mile, O, The Oprah Religion does not require or even encourage Church attendance. Instead, believers are urged to stay home and watch services on their televisions. Regular broadcasts will be held every weekday at 11am. An additional service is planned for the most devout, to be called Oprah, After The Service.
Following her introductory remarks, Archbishop King spread her hands to the heavens, and Oprah herself appeared in the sky overhead, swathed in blindingly white robes and a pair of black leather knee-high boots with stiletto heels. Before Her, a mixed crowd of pre- and post-menopausal women shrieked in excitement, weeping openly at the heavenly vision. Several attendees were so overcome that they collapsed in pools of their own urine.
“Blessed are all who come before Me,” intoned Oprah after floating down to the podium, “and Blessed are all women who come to terms with things! Blessed also is this interesting hand-carved pepper mill; it is one of My Favorite Things! There’s one in each of your gift bags!”
With a flourish of trumpets from an unseen orchestra, production assistants scurried through the crowd, handing out gift bags to all and dispensing Egyptian cotton towels to the women who had wet themselves.
“Blessed is My church, enter ye now and view My services on the giant screen flat-panel Sony television within!” Continued Oprah, “Look within yourself, for you can overcome all obstacles when you believeth in yourself! Look also within your gift bag, as you all get a certificate for a free flat-panel Sony television of thine own!”
With a gesture from Her hands, the doors to the church swept open, and the crowds rushed forth to enter the church as an ivory chariot descended from the sky, whisking Oprah away to her apartment.
“Peace be with you! Praise be to Me!” she yelled as she drove out of sight.
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